I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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