I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
