She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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