sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
