is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
