I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
