omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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