Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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