I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
