She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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