That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
