Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize