Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
