She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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