literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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