Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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