Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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