so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
