gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
