The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
