Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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