So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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