can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
