i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
