She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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