Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
