the condom got lost in my hair
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
