I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
As shirtless as possible
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
