I wish you could order shots online.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
