I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
