You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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