The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
