Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
