broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
