Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
