I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
