The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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