so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
