i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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