1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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