I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
