So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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