i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
