and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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