I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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