I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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