My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
