Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
