You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
