Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
