I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
