your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
