my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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