My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
