it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
