I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
