note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty