someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
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I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.