I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.