I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
